Sat Aug 11 2018

Definition of asocial
: not social: such as
a : rejecting or lacking the capacity for social interaction

Definition of antisocial
1 : averse to the society of others : unsociable.

Definition of unsociable
1 : having or showing a disinclination for social activity.

I am all of the above. I am lacking and rejecting while being averse and showing a definite disinclination.

Except when I’m not.

Sometimes I crave, need, desire social interaction. But not often, and having not been in such a situation for such a long time I don’t know how I would react to it. I think, after all this time spent in isolation, I would have an anxiety attack of major proportions. Total meltdown. Probably wouldn’t know how to act or interact.

When I was out and about in the world on a daily basis, you know like going to work everyday, I avoided social interaction outside of work because it was all too much and I needed to be alone and away.

Which is not to say I didn’t go out dancing when I needed to, certainly I was an avid museum and theater goer, happy wanderer – but I museumed, theatered and wandered alone – coping with the proximity to other humans beings as best I could.

I often question my lack of need for friends, family. I know folks who chase these concepts. I have no sense of family, and while I like to think I have been a friend I can’t honestly say I have ever had a friend. Acquaintances, of course but never anyone I would define as a friend, someone you could depend on, someone you trust, someone more than an acquaintance. My goodness, how does one define ‘friend’ in the truest, deepest sense of the word?

People tell you family is ‘blood’ or nowadays, DNA. Nope. I am sure there are great gooey gobs of people who share my DNA in a close correlation, some I’ve never met, and some I wish I hadn’t met, and mostly people I don’t care to meet again, or ever. Yeah, so what – DNA – that doesn’t make a family, that’s just science. I’ve never been part of a family in the social/emotional sort of way and I can honestly say I don’t miss it, which is why I have to wonder about me. Why don’t I miss having/belonging to a family? Why don’t I pursue friends and sociability?

The world at large makes me aware that I don’t value, no value is not the right word, that I have no concept, is that the word, of family. I just draw a complete blank, I cannot visualize what that is or means. Ehh.

I do like to observe people, and talk to people and interact with people, on a limited basis. I usually enjoy it, I don’t seek it out and yet not having it on a regular basis makes me miss it – a bit.

I think I want to connect with people but I don’t want anyone getting too close, physically – oh please do not get physically close, or emotionally.

The fact that I am even aware of all this confuses me.

6 thoughts on “Sat Aug 11 2018”

    1. I can’t deal with crowds or noise – how I functioned for 44 years in NYC and the subway, I have no idea. Maybe when I was younger I was more repressed about my feelings and emotions and coped however.

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  1. My dad is an extrovert big time and loves the idea of family and getting together with cousins way down the line. Me? Uh, no. I didn’t like attending family reunions when I lived in KS and I’m glad I never have to do that again. They’re just a bunch of strangers who I would never want to hang out with so why do I need to spend time with them. I have a very small immediate family but I interact on a superficial level. They don’t really know the real me. J is my only family.

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    1. I gotta tell ya, I do not relate at all to any of my relatives – they are not people I would chose to spend time with and once I was old enough to avoid visiting any of the relatives, I did. I don’t consider G my family, I have no idea what ‘family’ means.

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  2. My human has NO sense of family. She doesn’t even really understand the concept emotionally. She does crave social interaction, but she is at a loss on how to instigate it! She has loads of friends she wishes she saw more often. But at the same time, she really enjoys being by herself. So the boat she is in is probably not all that far from yours.

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    1. Me too! What is wrong with us, if anything, that we just don’t get the concept of family? Sure, we both know what the dictionary definition is, so we know it intellectually, but emotionally? I don’t get it either. I simply don’t relate. I just don’t seem to be able to tolerate being around people except in the most superficial way, and in small doses, please. Yet, people watching is one of my great pleasures. Does it make your human feel a bit better that there are folks like her out here? I know it makes me feel less weird.

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