Definition of asocial
: not social: such as
a : rejecting or lacking the capacity for social interaction
Definition of antisocial
1 : averse to the society of others : unsociable.
Definition of unsociable
1 : having or showing a disinclination for social activity.
I am all of the above. I am lacking and rejecting while being averse and showing a definite disinclination.
Except when I’m not.
Sometimes I crave, need, desire social interaction. But not often, and having not been in such a situation for such a long time I don’t know how I would react to it. I think, after all this time spent in isolation, I would have an anxiety attack of major proportions. Total meltdown. Probably wouldn’t know how to act or interact.
When I was out and about in the world on a daily basis, you know like going to work everyday, I avoided social interaction outside of work because it was all too much and I needed to be alone and away.
Which is not to say I didn’t go out dancing when I needed to, certainly I was an avid museum and theater goer, happy wanderer – but I museumed, theatered and wandered alone – coping with the proximity to other humans beings as best I could.
I often question my lack of need for friends, family. I know folks who chase these concepts. I have no sense of family, and while I like to think I have been a friend I can’t honestly say I have ever had a friend. Acquaintances, of course but never anyone I would define as a friend, someone you could depend on, someone you trust, someone more than an acquaintance. My goodness, how does one define ‘friend’ in the truest, deepest sense of the word?
People tell you family is ‘blood’ or nowadays, DNA. Nope. I am sure there are great gooey gobs of people who share my DNA in a close correlation, some I’ve never met, and some I wish I hadn’t met, and mostly people I don’t care to meet again, or ever. Yeah, so what – DNA – that doesn’t make a family, that’s just science. I’ve never been part of a family in the social/emotional sort of way and I can honestly say I don’t miss it, which is why I have to wonder about me. Why don’t I miss having/belonging to a family? Why don’t I pursue friends and sociability?
The world at large makes me aware that I don’t value, no value is not the right word, that I have no concept, is that the word, of family. I just draw a complete blank, I cannot visualize what that is or means. Ehh.
I do like to observe people, and talk to people and interact with people, on a limited basis. I usually enjoy it, I don’t seek it out and yet not having it on a regular basis makes me miss it – a bit.
I think I want to connect with people but I don’t want anyone getting too close, physically – oh please do not get physically close, or emotionally.
The fact that I am even aware of all this confuses me.