Missed connections

I describe myself as an introvert yet, like most human beings, I am not all one thing or another. I have elements of extroversion, strong elements actually, and they have a name for that. (Of course they do because humans MUST put a name to everything. god forbid something might just BE, in a generic sort of way, kinda like god. Yeah, that’s a rant for another time.) The name is ambivert. Read about it or not, as you wish, but it just means what I said in the first two sentences.

I have been living as a hermit for maybe, 8 years now, and it has taken its toll in my energy levels. Physically, emotionally, physically, spiritually. I draw my energy in all those areas from being around people. I am NOT an emotional vampire,  tho I have been victimized (for lack of a better term) by them.

connectionThrough my maternal DNA I have inherited the talent/skill of being able to read people, more commonly known as psychic/medium. Like any talent/skill, be it music, math, art, dance etc, it must be practiced to maintain any proficiency. Thing is, you need to be around people to read people. And I’m not. And I miss that connection. Those connections. I miss that energy.

Even physical energy – when I am in a high energy place my physical energy levels increase, I absorb the energy of traffic and hustle and bustle. It is exhilarating. It is joyful.

Absorbing energy, whether from people or places, is also exhausting – emotionally exhausting as well as physically exhausting, so being able to pull back and isolate is necessary for my mental and physical health.

But being in almost complete isolation is also a bad thing – for me. I’m used to having these psychic connections and I miss them. Whether it was sharing a connection with a passing stranger or someone who has passed over – I enjoyed those connections. They weren’t always happy, to feel someone’s confusion, hurt, anger can be draining, and sad. But I got to absorb positive energy and peacefulness and joy.

I miss my connections.

The day couldn’t decide what to be

early on it was rainy and dreary and cold, by Noon it was warmer, and sunny so I decided it was a good day for a walk. I took my ‘big’ camera and I played with the settings as I went along.

A magnolia shrub! Blooming! Strange…
Some kind of chrysanthemum  that looks like a daisy. And there is even a bee which I didn’t see until I downloaded the photos.
Haven’t a clue what this is but one corner property has this stuff growing rampant. There were bees here too.
Batch of mushrooms – Everyone seems to have weird looking mushrooms growing on their lawns – Could be the extremely wet weather – who knows!
And the sky WAS just this blue. This is the tippy top of the magnolia tree in front of my building. I never saw this bloom. The tree is over 8 stories high (or does is that ‘tall’?)

Watching your life play out in the funny pages.

A running gag lately in the comic strip ‘Pickles’ has been that the characters house is bugged and their lives are being used for comic strip fodder. I’ve often made that observation about the “Pickles” comic strip. There are days when a conversation between Opal and Earl is a word-for-word recount of a conversation my husband and I have had.

The other comic strip that I relate to is “Agnes”. I have saved numerous strips because the sentiments/thoughts/observations are echoes of mine.

Today’s ‘Pickles’ is cat related. It is absolutely true as far as my home is concerned and it is a choice I have had to make – plants and flowers vs. cats –


And then there is ‘Agnes’ – For those of you who haven’t reached that age yet, let me assure you it is too true –

Ye Gads!

GAD is Generalized Anxiety Disorder. It was my diagnosis way back when I first entered therapy. Well it was the only time I was diagnosed because it was the only time I was in therapy – probably 1982, maybe 1983. It’s actually a catch-all diagnosis tho there are levels – fun times around the water cooler comparing one’s level of GAD.

GAD is my general state of being. I would deem it normal, for me. While panic attacks would jump GAD into another diagnostic category my experience of panic attacks waxes and wanes. They used to happen for no apparent reason at all – which is the definition of a panic attack, it has no stressor whereas an anxiety attack does. (Difference between panic attack and anxiety attack) Which makes me wonder what to call the “attacks” I do have when there is a stressor but they are far more intense than a mere anxiety attack.

Anyway –

I woke up this morning feeling edgy and anxious. Add to that being somewhat out of sorts (Quick to the store – Get more sorts!) I have the overwhelming and oppressive feeling that something is about to happen and not in a good way. I hate this feeling – it’s not just mental, it’s physical.

So – I guess I’ll just wait to see how it plays out; something out of the ordinary going to happen? Will it be good or bad? Or am I just having a bad day, amongst many bad days, and it’s all just a symptom of – GAD!

It’s all a matter of place

and someone to share it with. I’m talking about sports here. The first 44 years of my life I lived in NYC and I was a rabid sports fan – New York teams only of course. I had plenty of people to watch games with and share the triumphs and tragedies of the hometown teams.

I remember being a little girl, planting myself in front of the tv, thumb firmly in mouth, attention totally riveted on Mickey Mantle.

A little older and it was Y.A. Tittle; older yet and it was Dave Debusschere, Eddie Giacomin, Earl ‘the Pearl’ Monroe. L.T. Taylor – mixing up their sports here but y’all probably don’t know who I am talking about anyway.

Teeny tiny soft sport for the Larry Bird era Celtics, I have to be honest here.  But mostly it was New York teams, all the way, all the time. And I always had someone to watch with, either at home or the arena/ballpark. I always had someone to argue and cheer with.

Once I left New York, and married a non-sports interested person my interest waned rather quickly.  Nowadays I can’t even remember which sport is in season.

My husband watches football every Sunday – why I have no idea. He often watches with the sound off. When I ask him who’s winning or even  which teams are playing, he replies ‘I don’t know”.  He doesn’t care he says. He just likes to watch football he says. He has, in his boredom, taken up watching soccer too.

I guess it was just the time, place and companionship. Perhaps some things are just meant to be shared.

The new kitchen

I took the photos before they had picked up the floor protection, and the yellow walls throw a tint on everything but here it is –

Glittery backsplash
My favorite thing!
Pull out shelves
Wide deep sink
Opposite stove
Fridge in place