Even more family dysfunction

Today is October 1st. The mother, if she is still alive, is 102.

I looked up my niece on FB and last December she posted a photo of her and her grandmother – if the picture was current then the mother was still alive then. She could have died between then and now, I have no way of knowing.

Yes, I could ask my niece but I promised her I would not contact her. “Why not?” you say. Well, her father is my elder male sibling, who I have not spoken to in over 40 years – in my opinion, and from my experience, he is not someone I would care to be associated with.

Some years ago I was in contact on a regular basis with my niece, a very accomplished woman, but it was causing conflict with her father so I backed off. The woman just doesn’t need that kind of drama in her life not do I wish to be the cause of any such drama.

I haven’t spoken to my younger brother is something like 4 years. I love my brother dearly, I raised him. If he needed a heart transplant I would volunteer, and as much as I would die for him I don’t want to interact with him anymore. I am too old for his drama. He is a very angry man, has been since forever. And I can’t deal with it. His anger causes him to be abusive towards me and quite frankly I’ve had enough abuse from family members.

For years I have suggested my brother seek professional counseling – he blows up, yells, screams, hollers abuse. I stopped suggesting it. His anger has thoroughly effed up his life; he is deeply unhappy. But I can no longer suffer from his unhappiness and anger. It is debilitating for me, it is unhealthy for me.

But I worry about him, and to some extent I do miss him – I just can’t bear the anger anymore.

So I sit and wonder about my family – the ones I love and the ones I am merely curious about because I am perverse that way.

Happy October (?)

13 thoughts on “Even more family dysfunction

  1. You have risen above and should be so very proud of your choices in life. I am proud of you. No one deserves toxicity in their life, even if it means cutting ties with family. True family needs not bloodline, only love.

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  2. I have my own dysfunction with my family–my mom and my brother (my father died when I was 7). I don’t have anything to do with them either because they just make me feel bad about myself. I peek in on them every now and again on FB….so is it perverse? Nah. I don’t know why we look…but we do. Maybe to see if the circus is continuing without us??

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    1. I associate circuses with fun and it seems neither of our families are what you could call fun. What’s another descriptor that wouldn’t be too mean-spirited? I was enjoying getting to know my niece and I guess that won’t happen again until her father dies and that is just a mean thing to think. Just because I think he is something that crawled out from underneath a rock, he’s still her father….

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    1. It does – I worry so about Skip but I just can’t talk to him anymore it is too painful – both for how he treats me and for me to see him in so much pain knowing I can’t help him. You can’t save someone who doesn’t want to be saved but that doesn’t mean you have to go down with them. And I feel bad for feeling that way…

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  3. Family dysfunction is a common denominator between many of us despite card companies leading us to believe all families are close and happy. We had many conversations about family this past weekend and it comes down to we choose our friends, not our family so we can choose not to interact with family if need be. J cut ties with his family when he moved out at age 18. I have superficial interaction with my mom and little with my dad. It’s not the way society makes us believe it should be but it’s the way that works for us.

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    1. I wonder if attitudes have changed any – years ago when I mentioned, or had to admit, that I was pretty much estranged from my family I was met with outrage – You can’t do that, they are family – like being family excuses all sorts of horrors. “She’s your mother!” and she is/was a sociopath and a vicious abuser – I’m supposed to love her? Honor her? Have anything to do with her? Excuse me? I don’t understand the ‘But it’s your family!” like an accident of birth has more importance than the quality of your life. Hoo-boy let’s not get started on this LOL

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  4. Sometimes you have to break ties. Just because someone is a blood relative doesn’t mean they have to be a part of your life. I chose to have little to do with my mother because it was the healthiest choice I could make

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  5. i have heard this said…you can chose your friends but not your family

    i have a friend who has ugly family drama and yet does not sever the ties as she should.

    i have not seen my mom in about 20 years. i love her as being my mom, but we are just two different to maintain a close relationship. she live on the east coast, while i am on the west coast of the usa. i do call her each week just to check in but she has never taken the time to know me. even today she will criticize something about my life. i accept who she is, but she does not accept who i am. such is life.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. And just because one shares DNA that doesn’t mean you have to share your lives. People think they do, I used to think I had to but then I learned to say ‘No’ and ‘Good-bye’.

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