I think I’m tired

of this whole blogging thing. It used to be fun. It used to be more of a community. We used to have have actual dialogues, conversations. We developed friendships that have lasted years, nay even decades. Now? Not so much.

Switching from blogger to wordpress hasn’t been much of an improvement. There are technical things I can’t figure out, like how to make photographs biggify when they are clicked on.

There are some great photography blogs here on WP but I haven’t quite stumbled over any ‘word’ blogs that hold my interest on a regular basis.

But then this isn’t the most scintillating blog either. I’ve never had a theme, my blogs have always been personal, more talking to myself than anything else. I have, on occasion, written some good stuff – thoughtful, philosophical, wise even. But not often. I have on occasion written some very funny stuff – but not often, I don’t write funny. I talk funny, I don’t write funny.

I started blogging back in 2005 – when I was stuck at home a lot because of my newly acquired disability. It was a way to connect with other people, now there are few people I want to connect with. Folks I interacted with electronically have moved on – some to the grave, some to – well, whatever things they now do to occupy their spare time.

Maybe I’ll let this blog die a natural death and just keep my writing in a private blog I have where I get to write my truths – the things I need to write down so I can see them for what they really are; for who I really am, and have been. Maybe that’s something you do when you get old(er). Oh, wait that’s something I’ve been doing since I could hold a pencil. Ah…

I need to get that birthday post moved

but I don’t really have much to say today. Yesterday was glorious, weather-wise. Today it is much (much!) cooler but the sun is shining to beat the band so it’s all good.

Friday we will pop over to the showroom of the company that just did our kitchen to pick out tile and whatever, so they can come back and re-do our quote/unquote master bathroom. We are hemorrhaging money here but what must be done, must be done. The bathroom was probably more important than the kitchen, for safety reasons.

We are old and wobbly, we need a safe bathroom. The hall bathroom has a stall shower that is just barely 3 feet wide – you would think that would be relatively safe because there is actually nowhere to fall but you would be wrong. I don’t use that shower because a.) I am claustrophobic and that shower actually give me the creeps and makes me anxious and b.) it is so small I can’t bend over to wash my feet or shave my legs and c.) the shower head is so high that the water just pours down directly on top of my head, no matter how I adjust the shower head, and I feel like I’m drowning.

The bathtub/shower combo in the master bath is fine as far as it goes except – 55 year old bath tub, with coating worn away and some moron painted it and the first time I put a bathmat in the tub it pulled up the paint…I swear – what cheap-ass jerk paints a worn out bathtub?

Plus climbing in and out of a bathtub is a bit of a trial. I have a grab-on thingy clamped to the side of the tub and that helps getting in and out but I have had tippy problems maintaining balance in the tub – so grab bars are really needed.

Yeah, you know that’s pretty much our lives these days – trying to make our home safe to live in –

Getting old is NOT for sissies

Missed connections

I describe myself as an introvert yet, like most human beings, I am not all one thing or another. I have elements of extroversion, strong elements actually, and they have a name for that. (Of course they do because humans MUST put a name to everything. god forbid something might just BE, in a generic sort of way, kinda like god. Yeah, that’s a rant for another time.) The name is ambivert. Read about it or not, as you wish, but it just means what I said in the first two sentences.

I have been living as a hermit for maybe, 8 years now, and it has taken its toll in my energy levels. Physically, emotionally, physically, spiritually. I draw my energy in all those areas from being around people. I am NOT an emotional vampire,  tho I have been victimized (for lack of a better term) by them.

connectionThrough my maternal DNA I have inherited the talent/skill of being able to read people, more commonly known as psychic/medium. Like any talent/skill, be it music, math, art, dance etc, it must be practiced to maintain any proficiency. Thing is, you need to be around people to read people. And I’m not. And I miss that connection. Those connections. I miss that energy.

Even physical energy – when I am in a high energy place my physical energy levels increase, I absorb the energy of traffic and hustle and bustle. It is exhilarating. It is joyful.

Absorbing energy, whether from people or places, is also exhausting – emotionally exhausting as well as physically exhausting, so being able to pull back and isolate is necessary for my mental and physical health.

But being in almost complete isolation is also a bad thing – for me. I’m used to having these psychic connections and I miss them. Whether it was sharing a connection with a passing stranger or someone who has passed over – I enjoyed those connections. They weren’t always happy, to feel someone’s confusion, hurt, anger can be draining, and sad. But I got to absorb positive energy and peacefulness and joy.

I miss my connections.

The day couldn’t decide what to be

early on it was rainy and dreary and cold, by Noon it was warmer, and sunny so I decided it was a good day for a walk. I took my ‘big’ camera and I played with the settings as I went along.

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A magnolia shrub! Blooming! Strange…
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Some kind of chrysanthemum  that looks like a daisy. And there is even a bee which I didn’t see until I downloaded the photos.
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Haven’t a clue what this is but one corner property has this stuff growing rampant. There were bees here too.
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Batch of mushrooms – Everyone seems to have weird looking mushrooms growing on their lawns – Could be the extremely wet weather – who knows!
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And the sky WAS just this blue. This is the tippy top of the magnolia tree in front of my building. I never saw this bloom. The tree is over 8 stories high (or does is that ‘tall’?)

Watching your life play out in the funny pages.

A running gag lately in the comic strip ‘Pickles’ has been that the characters house is bugged and their lives are being used for comic strip fodder. I’ve often made that observation about the “Pickles” comic strip. There are days when a conversation between Opal and Earl is a word-for-word recount of a conversation my husband and I have had.

The other comic strip that I relate to is “Agnes”. I have saved numerous strips because the sentiments/thoughts/observations are echoes of mine.

Today’s ‘Pickles’ is cat related. It is absolutely true as far as my home is concerned and it is a choice I have had to make – plants and flowers vs. cats –

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And then there is ‘Agnes’ – For those of you who haven’t reached that age yet, let me assure you it is too true –
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Ye Gads!

GAD is Generalized Anxiety Disorder. It was my diagnosis way back when I first entered therapy. Well it was the only time I was diagnosed because it was the only time I was in therapy – probably 1982, maybe 1983. It’s actually a catch-all diagnosis tho there are levels – fun times around the water cooler comparing one’s level of GAD.

GAD is my general state of being. I would deem it normal, for me. While panic attacks would jump GAD into another diagnostic category my experience of panic attacks waxes and wanes. They used to happen for no apparent reason at all – which is the definition of a panic attack, it has no stressor whereas an anxiety attack does. (Difference between panic attack and anxiety attack) Which makes me wonder what to call the “attacks” I do have when there is a stressor but they are far more intense than a mere anxiety attack.

Anyway –

I woke up this morning feeling edgy and anxious. Add to that being somewhat out of sorts (Quick to the store – Get more sorts!) I have the overwhelming and oppressive feeling that something is about to happen and not in a good way. I hate this feeling – it’s not just mental, it’s physical.

So – I guess I’ll just wait to see how it plays out; something out of the ordinary going to happen? Will it be good or bad? Or am I just having a bad day, amongst many bad days, and it’s all just a symptom of – GAD!