Everything reminds me of something or

someone.  I’m reading ‘Where the Past Begins’ by Amy Tan.  She writes at length about her use of metaphors – how she just thinks that way and therefore writes that way. And it reminded me instantly of my friend Jennifer who is a master of metaphor. I don’t always get them, to be honest, but she writes musically and poetically, in metaphors. I am always in awe of her talent. And again this morning, a series in the Washington Post about raising boys reminded me of her. She is a marriage and family therapist focusing on adolescents. She is also the parent of an adolescent boy. I thought “I should send a link to this to Jen” but then I thought – she knows all this already.

Also in the Post this morning a book review, of “How to be Alone” by Lane Moore. The review was written by Rachel Rosenblit and a particular observation in that review reminded me of me – “In each case, all roads lead back to the family she didn’t have — and the feeling that behind every door but hers were the luckiest people in the world.”

While my brother has spent his life looking for a family, even marrying into them, several times, in his search. Somewhere along the line I decided ‘family’ was not going to happen for me. I have no concept of what ‘family’ is and, deep soul searching has brought me to the place where I can honestly say, I don’t want or need one, and unlike my brother, I have never gone in search for one.

But that quote, “In each case, all roads lead back to the family she didn’t have — and the feeling that behind every door but hers were the luckiest people in the world.” – that reminded me of a time when I felt exactly the same way – exactly.

I offer this as an example. Written sometime in the mid 1960’s, when I was a teenager…

Please?

I knock at the door,
But there is no answer.
I jiggle the door knob,
But it won’t turn.
The door is locked tight.
I run round to the window
And peek in.
There are people sitting in front of the fire
They are warm and laughing,
I knock at the window,
“I’m cold. Please let me in.”
But they don’t hear me.
“Please, please let me in.”
The dog barks.
But still they don’t look up.
I go back to the door,
I pound and pound
“Let me in, I’m cold
Won’t someone let me in,
Please…Please…Someone?”

© Grace St. Clair

13 thoughts on “Everything reminds me of something or

    1. I was a very sad and depressed teenager! The bathroom reno had 2 little blips but they fixed them very quickly and my husband and I are super pleased. The kitchen continues to delight me every day!

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  1. I’m happy that I had family, parents and siblings, but we were never close, more like strangers living under the same roof. I have four children, so till have family, but again, we aren’t all that close although I see them often enough. I’m glad to see my children are close to their children, there is lots of hugging and family get togethers and everyone laughs and smiles, so there’s an improvement on my own original model. I suspect the distantness goes back to my grandparents, on my mother’s side at least. Mum was an only child and unwanted by her own mother who often pushed her away into the homes of her aunties.

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    1. Ah, the old square peg being forced into a round hole, I know that feeling well. As being invisible, been that my whole life too – both literally and figuratively. People would walk right into me on the street – straight on at me, looking at me – except I was invisible. I mentioned that to a friend one time and he scoffed and said I was being paranoid until he witnessed it for himself – not that’s invisible LOL

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  2. So many feelings . . . Gratitude about your nice words on my writing and for knowing you and getting to read your words both old and new. Then everything get all mixed up in the feelings of being on the outside of something good and unreachable. Then I think about how seldom those warm and happy rooms are as warm and happy as they appear. 💜 you.

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    1. As a child I never thought that those warm and happy families might be something other than…one doesn’t as a child. Even as a adult tho I like to think they are, tho I know better. Still – never a place for me by the fire and I am honestly okay with that. And my poor brother is still looking for it – still looking for parents and belonging.

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  3. Oh my, that poem! It brought tears to my eyes and made me feel for your younger self. I think we can create our own families. Jaime and I are a family and I feel that my friends, including you, are part of my family too. I don’t have that family feeling with my parents any longer. They’re both so different in their new lives. I guess, considering what I’ve discovered on my journey this past 15 months, I’ve never had a family feeling with anyone other than one grandma. Well, now I’m feeling kinda down but I’m learning to feel the feels and this is another example of one I need to feel.

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    1. I can’t make that connection, I simply don’t know how. So – no family. No home. I belong wherever I am at the moment. Allowing yourself to feel the feels is a very good thing. Process, understand, move on.

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